Cleaning house and other duties

One of the hardest things I have had to learn was house cleaning. It took me years to understand that there are simple rules that if you are able to remember them are quite useful in this time-honored art.

First, keeping carpets clean. If your friends enter the door, take one look inside and immediately start wiping their feet even though you don’t have a door mat, it’s probably time to do the dreaded vacuuming.

If while cooking your meal you smell something burning but it’s not your food, it is probably time to clean the stove top.

Knowing when to dust was always tricky for me until I discover how to gauge it. If you finally find a key that you’ve been looking for that has kind of been in plain sight but you couldn’t see until you accidently moved some of the dust on your dresser, well it’s time to do that irritating chore.

In the case of the refrigerator, it usually starts emitting a strange odor or liquid of some type that will start dripping out of the door. In this event, invite a friend over, I recommend a female friend being usually safe, and have them inspect and discard. If friends are not available to help, it is usually best to throw everything away and start over. Not doing so can land you in the hospital; take it from me.

Bathrooms are easy, something usually stops working, usually the drains, which floods the bathroom, and of course you have to mop the floor anyway. It’s pretty straight forward.

I try really hard to keep houseplants going. They will wilt when they run out of water, but they usually don’t make it in my home.

Curtains should be washed when there is no longer a glare on the TV while watching it during the day. Ceiling fans should be cleaned according to what room they are in. Clean above the dinner table when you notice extra pepper on your food and in the bedroom when you think you may have bed bugs.

The garage? Well as long as you can open the door and nothing spills out, you’re good.

Garbage is emptied when it spills on the floor too much and you can’t close the trash door if you have one, or when it begins attracting unwanted critters of various sizes.

To check the kitchen floor, remove your boots and socks if you wear them and put both feet on the floor. If it is hard, I hope not impossible, to unstick your feet, it is time to wash the floor. I tried using the floor cleaners that polish the floor at the same time, but even these cleaners are defeated after a while. If you have a dog and feed it in the kitchen, a light coat of gravy on the floor works in a pinch.

Lastly, if you are watching television and something buzzes in your ears and you feel an itching in your eyes, it is probably time to throw out the fruit that you bought just because you went on a health kick.

Over the years I have painstakingly gathered this invaluable information, which I now give to you at absolutely no charge.

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